What Scares me the Most

In my grief and anger at what I believed I had lost, I followed him into “The Lifestyle”—a world of swinging and polyamory, group sex, and one-night stands that he promised would mean a reclamation...

What scares me the most

I was born and raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, with deep roots of pioneer heritage and faith on both sides of my family. I graduated from BYU, and served an LDS mission. When I was twenty-three years old, I was misled into an arranged marriage with a man I did not love. I was convinced that I was following God’s will for me. Ten years and four children later, I followed that same man out of the Mormon Church. Then, in my grief and anger at what I believed I had lost, I followed him into “The Lifestyle”—a world of swinging and polyamory, group sex, and one-night stands that he promised would mean a reclamation of the “coming of age” we had both missed growing up in the sexually repressive LDS culture. But that Lifestyle, while at times consensual and liberating, would become dark and abusive.